Never Been INNN Love?


I was in random thought, having a text conversation with a male friend of interest I had grown close to intimately. We had been talking long distance for almost two years and I love him so much as a person. Any who, I wanted to know if he had feelings for anyone, or was in love with anyone at the moment in his life. He responded saying “no”; my follow-up question was “so you’re not in love with me?” He responded saying “I love you but I am not in love with you.” I pondered this response responding with “Hmmmm”; I was not sure what the separation of being in love and loving someone meant. My next question to him was “have you ever been in love?” and he responded saying yes to an ex he was with for five years.

Now I’m questioning my love life and I asked myself, have I ever been in love. This love thing is not uncertainty but now I’m looking back into my previous relationships trying to remember if I was in love. I’ve only had two serious relationships that I considered people I was in love with but when I look back on the relationships I cannot remember much of love. The only two young men I introduced to my parents and two lovers I spent a lot of time with.

My first “love thing” was in my freshman year of college and our friendship took off from there; I met someone who actually took the time to understand me, talk to me and treated me like a person special to them. However, he never claimed me as his official girlfriend, although I did girlfriend things and we even went to church together a couple of times, not to mention he got interrogated by my father at his first meeting with my family in which he handled well. By my third semester in college he transferred to another school for basketball and his school was two hours away from mine so I would visit him frequently. I stayed overnight sometimes, went to his basketball games and gave him rides home on holidays because we both grew up in the same home town. Overtime we just did not work out and he moved on to be with another girl and gave her the official girlfriend title. I like to call this my first heartbreak not my first “true love”.

My second lover was my rebound guy of course; I mean how else was I going to get over my first heartbreak. I felt tossed to the side like a trash bucket after my last whatever it was since he never claimed me as his official girlfriend. By the way this is the mindset of a nineteen year old girl still brain growing. 

My first real boyfriend was my second love, and we had so much fun together in the beginning of our relationship. I never met a person so fun and always wanted my company and it felt like our relationship had no rules, just fun all the time. We did everything together, I felt like I could be myself around him and he just made me feel comfortable. Everything moved so fast with us and by the second year in our relationship we started to live together. However, I was never on good terms with my family during this relationship and hardly ever spent time with my parents. This boyfriend never wanted to come around my father but always wanted me at his family events. After the close of our year lease at our apartment together I realized I did not want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

Even after getting out the lease and moving back home I did not cut the relationship off completely, we had broken up and still seeing each other. By the end of the third year of dealing with this relationship I officially broke it off and never looked back. I realized I had lost myself in this relationship, I did not know who I was anymore or where I was trying to go in life because my focus was merely on what are “We” going to do, or where are “We” going to go and I had to get out.

So now I am evaluating my old affairs questioning my faults and trying to figure out where did I go wrong with this “love thing”. Was it love or was it infatuation? My first lover I barely remember good things and it felt more like a task than a loving relationship. I never felt good enough for my first lover; my second lover was more fun but no building, no growing together and he never had any ambition or career goals. I now realize that I have never been in love.

I see love everyday by learning to love myself and enjoy my family more. To love someone or to be in love? I still don’t know what that means but I know that God’s love is in me and I give out that love to others that I care for. I love my Mother, Father, brothers and I know they love me. For now the romance will be silent in my life because love is in the air all around me.

Love suffers long and is kind, love does not envy, love does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth, bears all things hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4

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